Losing
Loss is a funny thing. It can be gone for a very long time, but it can still feel as close as yesterday. Many have lost much more in their lives than I have and hope never to, but everyone looses something in their life.
I lost my marriage.
I spent a significant part of my life single and alone. I was never happy, but my life worked that way. When I found someone who wanted to be with me and share a life with me it turned things on in me that I had dreamt for and wished for. I loved my wife with every fibre of my being, and I loved being married. All too quickly it was gone, and now I don’t know how to turn those things off.
It is nearing a year from the time that the life that I had hoped for came to an end. I find it strange that I still have love for a woman who discarded me like an old pair of shoes when she got bored. It’s not a love that I care to understand or explore, because doing so would be meaningless, but there is sits hidden away.
I often think that it will go away eventually. I’m sure that part of me will always carry it. Another part of me believes that it is not really love for her, but love for everything that I had with her… the good that there was between us.
She has been nothing more than a voice on the other end of a phone line a few times in more than six months. For my own mental health, I believe that is for the best. Suppressing the emotions associated with her is much easier without seeing her and having to look into her eyes.
She has become the face in photographs that I no longer look at.
I’m quite certain that she has carried on with her life, without a second thought to me. There is little evidence left that she valued me or our marriage (which hurts in itself).
Loss of any kind is the root of just about every hurt that we will ever face. Loss of a love, a family member, a friend, a job, a home. There is no cure for the pain that the loss of something of true importance. It merely becomes a piece of who we are as human beings and individuals. Perhaps loss isn’t so funny after all.
I can only hope to live my life in spite of it.
By: James Whitaker
2004-04-30
Posted: 2004-04-30 11:27:19 AM
Updated: 2006-02-17 5:18:49 PM
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